Saturday 11th December 2010

We've all got used to the idea that Reds Under the Bed are no longer the main threat to Western Civilisation (Gandhi, when asked what he thought of 'western civilisation': "Oh, yes, I think it would be a good idea!"). No, the Reds have transformed themselves into motherhood and apple pie (or at least Vladimir Putin), and are no longer Evil Personified. What really challenges the pillars of our Good and Just Democracy is The Muslim Community. (No, don't even think of raising points like "Moira Hindley, was she part of the Christian Community in the same way that Bin Laden represents the Muslim Community?" Not unless you have no fear of Rendition, that is.)

Anyhow: The Muslims! (All 1500 million of them are functionally identical, of course.) What beasts! If they all saved up their combined income for the next 100 years they would almost be able to afford to buy as many arms as the US and the UK put together!!! How can we tolerate such an affront to reason?

Stop right there. You're out of date. Yes, there's a new threat, and one even more terrifying than the Menace from the Far East (or Barnsley, or wherever these people come from). And that new threat is...: the very young and the very old!

The old, it has become clear, are busy sucking us dry with their gold-plated pensions, and it is clearly of prime importance that we caulk this gaping hole in our collective finances. (How ever will we pay for the bankers' bonuses if not? And then what might happen?! Don't answer.)

And as the fabric of our society falls apart at the wrinkly end, so the babes just-out-of-arms step up to the folk devil plate and demand the right to an education, or else they might have to go to London and complain. How dare they!

It's the parents' fault, of course. You know who you are. You're the one who has failed to save up £75,000 for the degrees of each of your children. And now those ungrateful sprogs have the audacity to contend that the state should pay to educate its workforce! Where's the profit in that?!

Join with me in opposing this insidious rot in the main timbers of our green and pleasant land. Swift was right: down with the poor, the young and the old! A modest proposal, I'm sure you'll agree.1


  1. Now go and read Penny Red, Notes from the New Age of Dissent, by Laurie Penny — as she says on 'Buy them in the knowledge that I'll spend the money on whisky and biscuits for anarchists.'


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