George Bush and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. George told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later George sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked George. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Bush. The driver replies, "I'm George Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Why the UK is streets ahead of the competition

Please Bomb Seattle, by Geov Parrish

I write as a proud American and a resident of one of its many great cities: Seattle. You've probably heard of us-Space Needle, mountains, salmon, Microsoft. When you owned the Texas Rangers baseball club, your team was in the same division as our Mariners. We stunk back then. We hope you remain grateful. Oh, and Boeing sends its deepest love.

Mr. President, I have an enormous favor to ask of you:

Could you bomb us?

Not just once or twice for show; I mean really bomb the city of Seattle, hard, like what you're planning for Baghdad and probably for Pyongyang and Tehran and Damascus and whatever other 50 or 60 major world cities are in the Pentagon's files. Blast us back to the Stone Age. Make it hurt. Send us a message.

Don't hesitate or think too much about this-I wouldn't want you getting migraines or anything. But if you do, consider that we, too, are under the rule of a power-hungry leader we never voted for, one with unthinkable numbers of nasty weapons. But that's not all.

Mr. President, we're in the "blue" part of the country, the part that went for Gore, so I'm sure you'll understand that we've contributed more than our share of terrorists over the years. Those guys arrested a few weeks ago for stealing top-secret plans from the military? Our guys. We've been breeding them for years: the D.C. snipers, the Green River Killer, Ted Bundy-we "harbored" them all. To your talented staff, making the case that we're an international menace should be a breeze.

Mr. President, let's face it: The biggest threats to global security come from the biggest countries, not the smallest. To pull them into line, you'll need to convince them that you'd take anyone out, even your own mother. Even your own city.

Hit us, say, with one of those big new post-daisy-cutter MOAB bombs, the ones that kill just like Hiroshima's nuke except with less radiation. Maybe drop a few thousand cruise missiles so that the fireball extends all the way out past the suburban sprawl. Dumb, smart, whatever.

Doing this would give all Americans a far healthier respect for the new American empire you're creating. The problem with obliterating Baghdad and its 5 million people is that they're just too far away. For most Americans, the handiwork of your genius is simply too abstract to fully appreciate. However, if you take out a place like Seattle-a city they've likely visited, a place where they might have an old friend-it becomes much more real. And since we're only three time zones away, an attack here will get far more media coverage than attacking some obscure dictator's playpen. Just ask-I'm sure the networks will cooperate.

Even better, viewers will be able to more fully appreciate what your weapons do, because the survivors will look like them (except for the burns), even speak the same language (mostly), value human life just as much as they do. Our dilemmas will seem so much more vivid to our fellow Americans than the fate of 23 million stage props to Saddam Hussein. It'll make for some amazing reality TV shows.

And, of course, a wealthy city like Seattle, with its big skyline and modern infrastructure, means trillions in rebuilding contracts after the war-enormous windfalls you can award as party favors at your next 2004 fund-raising dinner. If you ever get bored, you can just bomb us again! Bomb, rebuild, bomb, rebuild . . . now that's putting our economy to work!

All in all, Mr. President, I think it's a perfect fit for the new American empire you're constructing. It's an unprovoked attack upon a defenseless civilian population, based on crimes committed by either unaccountable leaders or psychotic individuals who passed through town. It'll make your friends even richer, and it'll contribute, far more directly than any overseas campaign, to your re-election success. Dead people can't vote Democratic. And we'll get a rebuilt Alaskan Way Viaduct out of the deal.

Now that you've thought about it, Mr. President, I'm sure you realize that you can't back down. I trust Secretary of State Colin Powell will be making the necessary representations to foreign powers shortly. I think you'll be surprised at how many nations will be willing, even eager, to help with this one. - Your patriotic friend, Geov Parrish

P.S. I'm moving to Phoenix. Soon.

P.P.S. Damn! I just remembered! We don't have any untapped oil reserves. I guess that calls this whole thing off, huh? Never mind.

[Courtesy of]

[Any parallel with research management practices is completely coincidental.]

The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four

steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

Not really a joke, but well worth a look:
Spot the fault (may take a couple of minutes). Will wake you up.

Strictly Speaking

THEY WRITE                                      |THEY MEAN 

It has long been known that... |I haven't bothered to look up |the original reference

...of great theoretical and practical |...interesting to me importance

While it has not been possible to |The experiments didn't work provide definite answers to these |out, but I figured I could at questions. |least get a publication out |of it.

The W-Pb system was chosen as |The fellow in the next lab had especially suitable to show the |some already made up predicted behavior...

High purity... |Composition unknown except Very high purity... |for the exaggerated claims of Extremely high purity... |the supplier Super-purity... Spectroscopically pure...

A fiducial reference line... |A scratch

Three of the samples were |The results of the others chosen for detailed study... |didn't make sense and were |ignored..

...handled with extreme care during |...not dropped on the floor the experiments

Typical results are shown... |The best results are shown...

Although some detail has been lost |It is impossible to tell from in reproduction, it is clear from the |the micrograph original micrograph that...

Presumably at longer times... |I didn't take the time to find |out

The agreement with the predicted |fair curve is excellent

good |poor

satisfactory |doubtful

fair |imaginary good as could be expected |non-existent

These results will be reported at |I might get around to this a later date |sometime

The most reliable values are those |He was a student of mine of Jones

It is suggested that... It is believed that... |I think... It may be that...

It is generally believed that.... |I have such a good objection |to this answer that I shall |now raise it.

It is clear that much additional |I don't understand it work will be required before a complete understanding...

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory |Neither does anybody else to account for these effects has not been formulated

Correct within an order of magnitude |Wrong

It is to be hoped that this work |This paper isn't very good but will stimulate further work in the field |neither are any of the others |on this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for |Glotz did the work and Doe assistance with the experiments and |explained what it meant. to John Doe for valuable discussions.

[Ed: Source: C.D. Graham Jr. Metal Progress, 71 pg 75 (1957)]


struct SoftwareProfessional {
    double salary;
    long lunches;
    float jobs;
    char unstable;
    void work;
    short tempers;

George Bush and Pervez Musharraf are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that George and Parvez?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
And George Bush says, "We're planning  war against  Afghanistan"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Afghans and
one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Musharraf and says, " See, I told you no-one
would worry about the 14 million Afghans!"
(It's true - they don't care :-()

Bush for Dummies

A chap gets on the bus with his trouser pockets full of golf balls and 
sits down next to a little old lady.  The little old lady keeps looking
quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.  After many such 
glances from her he finally says, "It's golf balls."  The little old lady 
continues to look at him thoughtfully and finally asks,  "Does it hurt 
as much as tennis elbow?" 

Bulgarian Englishisms (original link)

Five cannibals get jobs as programmers in a high-tech company.  During the
welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're  all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to
eat. So don't go eating the other  employees". The cannibals promise not to
eat any of the staff.

Four weeks later the boss returns and  says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you.  One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened  to her?" The cannibals disavow
all knowledge of the missing  cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the  cannibals says to the others:
"Okay, which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

One  of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of
the cannibals says:

"You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers and
project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU  have to go
and eat the cleaner!"

Martin Kaye, Invited talk, RANLP 2001, Tzigov Chark, 5/9/1

German is one of those languages that got confused about gender a long time ago. It is difficult to see how "girls" could have become neuter in Germany. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant girls are neuter in German.

Aboul Abed in the Sauna

Aboul Abed and two men were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a
beeping sound.  The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops..
Aboul Abed looked  astonished.

"Oh", he says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm and that's my

A moment later there is a ringing sound. The second man lifts his arm to
ear and starts talking. When he is done he explains "I have a microchip in
my arm and that's my mobile phone."

Aboul Abed , feeling somewhat left out, steps out of the sauna. After a few
minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out from between
his buttocks. The other two men look astonished.  "Oh," he explains, I'm
just getting a Fax.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items 
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a 
large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, 
rocks about 2" in diameter.  

He then asked the students if the jar was full?   They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them 
into the jar.  

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the 
open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if 
the jar was full.  

They agreed it was.  The students laughed.  

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of 
course, the sand filled up everything else.  

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your 
life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, 
your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost 
and only they remained, your life would still be full.  The pebbles 
are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. 
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.  If you put the sand 
into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The 
same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on 
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are 
important to you.  Pay attention to the things that are critical to 
your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical 
checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be 
time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the 
disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. 
 Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."  

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of
course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar
truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always
room for BEER.

At last! Computerised processing of election manifestos (also works on William Hague's speeches)!

The end of the net.

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that
it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer
this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.

She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if
you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of
other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question
for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course!"

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dummy, it's Tony Blair!"

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his
caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were
discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.

The old man said, "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle."

So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle"
And he said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a
fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he
didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything
done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall
Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful
consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied
and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept
all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does
not meet my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will assume the
position of assistant professor in  your department this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.


                                        Chris L. Jensen

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit
new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:

Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast
is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches
above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form
the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

........and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered
side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with
Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter
the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of  cat and
butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple

  p = s * t(t)/t?

where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the
toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast
topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s
value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet
and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and
obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you
use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives
a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its 
feet.  Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims
in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party
was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above
a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

           UNIX version of the ILOVEYOU virus

      >> This virus works on the honor system!! <<

 * * If you're running a variant of unix or linux!!!! * *
 * * please forward this message to everyone you know * *
 * * and delete a bunch of your files at random.      * *

And so God is giving an assessment of how the Earth is doing::

Creator: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks
of song birds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.
But, all I see are these green rectangles!"

St. Francis: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great pains to kill them and replace them with grass."

Creator: "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?"

St. Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

Creator: "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make them happy."

St. Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it - sometimes twice a week."

Creator: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

St. Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags."

Creator: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

St. Francis: "No, Lord. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it

Creator: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will grow. When it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it

St. Francis: "Yes, Lord"

Creator: "Those Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
growth and saves them a lot of work."

St. Francis: "You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

Creator: "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. Now
that was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and forma a natural blanket
to keep moisture in the soils and protect the trees and bushes.
Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soils.
It's a natural circle of life!"

St. Francis: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn
a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and have them hauled away."

Creator: "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

St. Francis: "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy
something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
place of the leaves."

Creator: "And where do they get this mulch?"

St. Francis: "They cut down trees and grind them up."

Creator: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Cathy,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie did you schedule for

St. Catherine: "It's called 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real
stupid movie about..."

Creator: "Never mind, I think I've just heard the whole story!"

 An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
 He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
        takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist. "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
             brushes me  down often and keeps me in the barn to
             protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar!!"

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"?  Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at
Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof.
Miller. In-class Assignment for Wednesday:  "Today we will experiment with a 
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will 
pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you 
will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read 
the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first 
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember
to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached."  "The following was actually turned in 
by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last 
name deleted."

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)  At first, Laurie couldn't decide which 
kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for 
lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all 
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if 
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So 
chamomile was out of the question.   
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent 
one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said 
into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam 
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The 
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. 
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, 
with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose 
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.  
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to 
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated 
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere 
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on 
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive 
explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President 
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to 
veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"  
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.  
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.  

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, 
USA, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an 
angry passenger.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United 
flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. 
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his 
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has 
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but 
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work 
something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers 
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address 
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice 
bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate 
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, 
please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at 
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to 
stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although 
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at 

These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.

 1. Q: What is your date of birth?
      A: July fifteenth.
      Q: What year?
      A: Every year.

 2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      A: I forget.
      Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that
         you've forgotten?

 4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
      A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember  which.
      Q: How long has he lived with you?
      A: Forty-five years.

 5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you  when he woke
        that morning?
      A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
      Q: And why did that upset you?
      A: My name is Susan.

 6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
      A: Approximately milepost 499.
      Q: And where is milepost 499?
      A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
      A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
      A: After the accident?
      Q: Before the accident.
      A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.

 9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
         or the occult?
      A: We both do.
      Q: Voodoo?
      A: We do.
      Q: You do?
      A: Yes, voodoo.

 10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
         blue lights flashing?
      A: Yes.
      Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
      A: Yes, sir.
      Q: What did she say?
      A: What disco am I at?

 11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
         he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

 15. Q: Did he kill you?

 16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 20. Q: She had three children, right?
      A: Yes.
      Q: How many were boys?
      A: None.
      Q: Were there any girls?

 21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
      A:  I went to Europe, Sir.
      Q:  And you took your new wife?

 23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
      A: By death.
      Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
      A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
      Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
         notice which I sent to your attorney?
      A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go
      A: Oral.

 28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
      A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

 29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      A: No.
      Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
      A: No.
      Q: Did you check for breathing?
      A: No.
      Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
         began the autopsy?
      A: No.
      Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      Q: But could the patient have still been alive never the less?
      A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build
bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce
bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

This is a true story from the IBM help line. Needless to say the help
desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the
IBM for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation
leading up to dismissal:

  "IBM help desk, may I help you?"
  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer."

  "What sort of trouble?"
  "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

  "Went away?"
  "They disappeared."

  "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

  "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

  "Are you still in your program, or did you get out?"
  "How do I tell?"

  "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
  "What's a sea-prompt?"

  "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
  "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

  "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
  "What's a monitor?"

  "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it
   have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
  "I don't know"

  "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
    cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
  "Yes, I think so."

  "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
    into the wall."
  ".......Yes, it is."

  "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
    two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
  "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
    other cable."
  "Okay, here it is."

  "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
    back of your computer."
  "I can't reach."

  "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

  "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and leanway over?"
  "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's

  "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
    in from the window."

  "Well, turn on the office light then."
  "I can't."

  "No? Why not?"
  "Because there's a power outage."

  "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
    you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
    came in?"
  "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

  "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
    it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
    it from."
  "Really? Is it that bad?"

  "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
  "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

  "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

    Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover. The first woman says "My
    Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." 

    "The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around
    sometimes. I kinda like that." 

    "The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed
    and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." 

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
    know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
    -Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
    a smart woman with a dumb guy.
    -Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of
    my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even
    want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
    -Rita Rudner-

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
    can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
    -Rita Rudner-

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
    -Wendy Liebman-

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
    -Erma Bombeck-

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
    -Sue Grafton-

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
    -Roseanne Barr-

9. I think-therefore I'm single.
    -Lizz Winstead-

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
    Men invade another country.
    -Elayne Boosler-

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
    -Maryon Pearson-

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
    -Gilda Radner-

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
    anything done, ask a woman.
    -Margaret Thatcher-

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
    and a career.
    -Gloria Steinem-

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
    -Gloria  Steinem-

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
    which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls
    every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home 
    late at night
    -Marie Corelli-

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
    -Baroness Edith-Summerskill

18 If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
    How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
    your neck?
    -Linda Ellerbee-

19. I am a marvellous housekeeper.
    Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
    -Eleanor Roosevelt-

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting
late. I think I'll go to bed."She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for
the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels,
filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started
the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes
in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and
secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table and
put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied
a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. 

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk
and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip,
and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday
card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note
for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her
face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. 

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made
sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out
a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and
had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. 

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things
to do for tomorrow. 

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular, "I'm going to bed." And he did.

Anything extraordinary here?......Wonder why women live longer....? 

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who
here has ever seen a ghost?"  Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up.

"Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"
Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good.  Okay, have any of you ever, uh, been
intimate with a ghost?"  One hand stays up.  The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact
with a ghost?"
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I
thought you said 'goat'."

How Mil Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4  
feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was  that gauge used?  Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad  
tramways, and
that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building  
which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they  
tried to
use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long
distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads  
in Europe
were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The  
roads have
been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which  
everyone else
had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made  
by Roman
war chariots.

Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all  
alike in
the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what  
horse's ass
came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman
chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the  
back-ends of
two war horses.

So, there's a discussion going on at the place where all the gods hang out 
(you know . . . Vishnu, Krishna, Buddha, Zeus etc.).  One of the gods says
'Hey lads - what do you say - shall we go down to one of the planets & get 
ourselves a little love action? How about going to Mars?'
'No, I'm not going to Mars' says another god 'the girls there are all green 
& slimey'
'Oh - OK then . . . how about Mercury?'
'No - I don't fancy Mercury . .  it's far too cold'
'OK - how about Earth - earth girls are really nice . .. ?'
& God says 'Oh I wouldn't go there . . . I went there & had a brief affair 
2,000 years ago & they're still talking about it'

Good news for those of who prefer to not to use windows(*)...

(*) Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2
bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

An Analytical View On The Strengths Of Consuming Beer

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and
validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering
performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving
university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the
performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the
strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the
intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its technological
edge we should not shudder in our homes.  Get back into the bars!
Quaff that beer!  Your company and country need you to be at your
peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

What's the difference between a Scoda and a Mercedes?
Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Scoda.

Have you heard about Princess Di? She's on the radio.
And the glove compartment. And the...

Di: you've read the book, you've seen the film,
now try the jam.

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon
the remains of that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from
the human gene pool.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO
(Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot
himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.

And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at
Gorge,  Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them)  they
sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it
would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into
the show.

The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence.  The plan
was for John (100 pounds heavier than Sal ) to hop over, and then assist
his friend over the fence.  Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot
drop on the other side of the fence.  Having heaved himself over, he
found himself crashing through a tree.  His fall was abruptly halted by
a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.  Dangling from the tree,
with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below
him.  Apparently figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed
his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his
shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his
rectal cavity.  To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to
fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.

Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw
him a rope and pull him to safety.  However, weighing about 100 pounds
less than his friend, he decided the best course of action would be to
tie the rope to the pickup truck.  This is when things went from bad to
worse.  In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear,
pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and
killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive
nternal injuries and also died at the scene.

Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet
from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with
numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

And now, the runners-up:

 --- AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA:  A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad, authorities said.  Matthew David Hubal, 22, was
pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.  The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.  Hubal and his
friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid
some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.  The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit the towers.  The group apparently used the
pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.  It has
since been determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad

 --- AP, St. Louis, MO: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out
without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store.  Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it
had choked him to death.

 --- UPI, Spain:  To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it
fell on him.

 --- Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA: A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party
late Tuesday night said Cpl. M.D. Payne.  "Another man had it in an
aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne
said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set
it off."  "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth
off, his tongue and his lips." Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
with extensive facial injuries at the Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

 ---UPI, Portland, OR: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said
Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is
lucky  to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.  Tony
Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a
men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.  A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Roberts' right eye.  Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the
left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died
instantly.  Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital
in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with
the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the
arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.  Roberts
admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."  No charges have been filed
but the Josephine County district attorney's office said  the initiation
stunt is under investigation.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is
that the
rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as


 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 * (C) God

/* Revision history:
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom'
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population

 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre
 *                        CD.

/* Standard definitions

#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.

#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"

#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
struct genitals
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
 * to display at birth.
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on.

[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

Strange but true: Dan Quayle is one of the front-runners
for the Republican presidential nomination in the year 2000.

****** Dan Quayle Quotations *******

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
            J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and
water. If
there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means
can breathe."
          Vice President Dan Quayle,  8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
                                       Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this
century. I didn't live in this century."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy - but that could change."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
          The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.
          [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good
 judgments in the Future."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
       Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
  have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."
         Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
  the polls."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused
  riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct
  and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to
  blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to
           Vice President Dan Quayle

  "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
  having it."
       Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
        (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

  "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she
  still has a job next year."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
          Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
  Dan Quayle may or may not make."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
  you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
  impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

  "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
           Vice President Dan Quayle

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates are called before God, who
tells them that the world will end in one week, and they should go and
prepare their people. Yeltsin goes back to the Kremlin and addresses the
nation thus:

 'Comrades, I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that there
is a God. The terrible news is that the world is about to end.'

Clinton returns to the White House and addresses the people of America 'My
Fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that
there is a God. The bad news is that the world is about to end.'

Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and says to his assembled minions 'I have
good news - and I have wonderful news. The good news is that God thinks
I'm one of the three most important people in the world. The great news is
that we won't need to provide tech support for Windows 98!'

- ---------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, the world ends and they all end up before God again, and he says
to Clinton 'Mr Clinton, what do you believe?' Clinton says 'Lord, I
believe in free speech; in the rights of the individual to express
themselves and defend themselves; in truth, justice and the American way.'
The Lord says to him 'I like that. Come here and sit on my left.' He then
turns to Yeltsin and says 'Mr Yeltsin, what do you believe?' Yeltsin says
to him 'Lord, I believe in the State; in people working together for the
common good; in people putting aside their own considerations and together
achieving a common goal.' The Lord says 'I like that - come here and sit
on my right.'

The Lord, with Clinton at his left and Yeltsin at his right, turns to Bill
Gates and says 'Mr Gates, what do you believe?' Gates looks at him and
says 'Lord, uh, I believe you're in my seat.'

Subject:     50 TOP OXYMORONS

 50.  Act naturally
 49.  Found missing
 48.  Resident alien
 47.  Advanced BASIC
 46.  Genuine imitation
 45.  Airline food
 44.  Good grief
 43.  Same difference
 42   Almost exactly
 41.  Government organization
 40.  Sanitary landfill
 39.  Alone together
 38.  Legally drunk
 37.  Silent scream
 36.  British fashion
 35.  Living dead
 34.  Small crowd
 33.  Business ethics
 32.  Soft rock
 31.  Butt head
 30.  Military intelligence
 29.  Software documentation
 28.  New York culture
 27.  Extinct life
 26.  Sweet sorrow
 25.  Childproof
 24.  "Now, then..."
 23.  Synthetic natural gas
 22.  Christian scientists
 21.  Passive aggression
 20.  Taped live
 19.  Clearly misunderstood
 18.  Peace force
 17.  New classic
 16.  Temporary tax increase
 15.  French bravery
 14.  Plastic glasses
 13.  Terribly pleased
 12.  Computer security
 11.  Political science
 10.  Tight slacks
 9.   Definite maybe
 8.   Pretty ugly
 7.   Twelve-ounce pound cake
 6.   Diet ice cream
 5.   Rap music
 4.   Working vacation
 3.   Exact estimate
 2.   Religious tolerance

 And the NUMBER ONE Oxymoron ...

 1. Microsoft Works



    All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
    Now my database has gone away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

    There's not half the files there used to be,
    And there's a milestone
    hanging over me
    The system crashed so suddenly.

    I pushed something wrong
    What it was I could not say.

    Now all my data's gone
    and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

    The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
    I knew my data was all here to stay,
    Now I believe in yesterday.

Subject: HUMOR Cultural differences (offends everyone]

Cultural differences:

      There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
       where the following people are stranded:

      2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
      2 French men and 1 French woman
      2 German men and 1 German woman
      2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
      2 English men and 1 English woman
      2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
      2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
      2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

      One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle
      of nowhere  ....

       The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
       The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily
         together in a menage a trois
       The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
         alternate with the German woman
       The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
         woman is cleaning and cooking for them
       The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
         the  English woman
       The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look
         at  the woman and started swimming.
       The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the
         gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own
         and the true nature of feminism.  But at least it's not
         snowing and the taxes  are low.
       The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They don't
         remember if  sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of
         foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his
pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's.  One
of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to
him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"

The first dog looked depressed. "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner
has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for
rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so
excited, I peed on the seats.  Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
in here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the
nude.  The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum
under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to
sleep, too, huh?"

"No," said the third dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."  The couples agreed
and came back at the end of two weeks.  The pastor went to the elderly
couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two
weeks?"  The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"  The man replied, "The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the
couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"  "No Pastor, we were not able
to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and
dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.  "We know." said the young man, "We're not
welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

George wrote:

Basically, rlab2 is now rlab3 which will become rlab4.  rlab4 doesn't exist yet
but will when rlab3 becomes rlab4.  Meanwhile rlab2 has been replaced with
a non-rlab2 printer which can't be rlab2 because the people in rlab2 don't
want rlab2 to be rlab2 so people not in rlab2 can't use rlab2.

A hot-air balloonist realises he is lost, and so reduces height to 
ask directions from a man on the ground: "Excuse me, can you tell me 
where I am?"

"Yes," says the man below. "You're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 
about 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is 
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below is miffed. "You must work in business as a manager," he 

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're 
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same 
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today,
in response to President Clinton's testimony yesterday:

"I have had enough.  This whole experience has
left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach
any more.  I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown
 up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things
are hard, that is when I am at my best.
I have faced hard things in the past, and
I know what is coming.  I will meet the challenge
the only way I know how: head-on.  I have licked
bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky
isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was
done.  I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by
blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it."

 "Thank you."

 Monica Lewinsky

The 1998 Darwin Awards

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin
Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen
again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this

The Darwin Awards Nominees

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot
high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.People on the beach, on the outer banks,
used their hands andshovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident
ofWoodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workersusing
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. [Ineligible, but credit given for trying]AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were
injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with
a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vega was diagnosed with a mild
case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran
suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her
right hand had been bitten off.Moeller had just dropped her husband off for
his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her
breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was
really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it
couldn't have been for more than two seconds."However, cab driver Vegas did
see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner
of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made
her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit
down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused
by a falling piece of the medical building.

9. [Ineligible, better luck next year!] TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison
control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her
English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed
she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and
confirmed doctors' suspicions.Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were
some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After
the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth
began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects. [Ineligible, but a
strong contender for 99]

10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that
he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Policepatrol car
parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing
him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

12. In France, Jacques Le Fevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of therope to a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jump ed and fired the pistol.The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope abovehim. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a
kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason
Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but
the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the head, fracturing his skull. (2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn
Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a
broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first
and second floors of his house. (3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in
Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving
around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out
the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice
that the window was closed. (4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia,
Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were
injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."


Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy
the cream of Thailand's manhood."He was speaking after the remains of 13
year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's
emergency room."Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he
explained,"inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a
rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."It
appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. Hestarted using a
two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he
boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a
nearby gasoline station.They dared him to do it, so, under cover of
darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he
inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a
result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One
woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping."We still haven't located all of him", say the police
authorities."When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his
system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
something.""Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to
Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."Let's hear it for
Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient!

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had
an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls.  Both of

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

Before the Smiths had any children they were having some difficulty so
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the
proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off.  Good luck, the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning madam.  You
don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain.  I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked.  "Well, good!  I've made a specialty
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a
"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for us."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.  "This was done on the top of a bus in central London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look.
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said.  "And for more than three hours too.  The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling.  I could hardly
concentrate.  Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. 
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  "You mean they actually chewed on your eh...
"That's right.  Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? 
Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.  He sits the octopus down on
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus.  "He can play any musical instrument in the world."  He hears everyone
in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.  So he says
that he will wager  £350 to anyone who has an instrument that the
octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.  The
octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up
So the man pays his £350.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet.  The octopus plays the trumpet
better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £350.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes.  He sits them down and the
octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a 
confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says.  "Can you no play it?"  The octopus
looks up at him and says, "Play it?  I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure 
out how to get its pyjamas off..

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at
different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing by a***holes.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this fellow in
Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his
backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they
are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does
this in his spare time!  Anyway here's the actual response from
the Smithsonian Institution.  Bear this in mind next time you think
you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation
in writing.

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that
those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field
were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen, which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-homonids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against
it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is
likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the
National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the
concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
Australopithecus spiff-arino.

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not
a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so

You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf
in his own office for the display of the specimens you have
previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs
at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in
your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay
for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on
your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of
ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take
on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

The "Foucault" affair was actually an early sign of tensions between the North Atlantic treaty signatories, being an insulting play on words by a group of French philosophers who collectively wrote the books under that name as a pseudonym. The point, rather laboured if you ask me, was to deliver a huge wodge of indigestible nonsense disguised as post-modernism (hard to tell the difference with the "real" variety), and to prove the excessive literalmindedness of American philosophy by convincing the latter to take it all seriously. The name gives the game away, of course, being a contraction of "Foo Co.", a popular in-joke in European philosophy circles at the time used to refer to the US and its intellectual products.